If it has happened to you, it may be for these reasons

Porn movies or movies with a certain erotic theme are to pleasure what romantic comedies and Disney movies are to romance. We idealize how it should be and, if we don’t achieve it, we get frustrated. In recent years, a lot of effort has been put into demystifying everything concerning romantic love. However, pleasure and sex remain a taboo that is hard to talk about openly, so we continue to look for examples in all the wrong places. For this reason, the fact that there are people like the psychologist and sexologist Laura Morán, who dedicate her new book, Why I Don’t Desire, by Next Door Publishers, to talk about this topic, is worth celebrating.

In this, takes a very long journey especially concerning desire, pleasure and sex. From its biological bases, to the factors that can influence that sometimes that desire disappears. These range from those false expectations of the cinema to self-esteem problems.

With examples that she has found in her practice as a sexologist and a pleasant and casual tone, she not only explains the reasons, but also proposes solutions so that we can all feel that desire that sometimes leaves us, whether alone or in company.

“It’s not about collecting orgasms”

When we talk about pleasure and sex, the first thing that inevitably comes to mind is orgasm. For a long time we have conceived that this should be the end of a sexual practice, whatever it is. For this reason, sometimes we lose focus, we forget to enjoy the process and we focus so much on the result that we may not even achieve it. After all, stress is not a good friend of orgasm. Therefore, the first thing we must understand is that you can feel pleasure with sex perfectly without reaching this outcome.

“The orgasm is always welcome, but you shouldn’t despise a sexual encounter or an erotic experience with yourself if it doesn’t end in orgasm,” Laura Morán explains to CVBJ. “Humans are very polarized, pendular movements, and suddenly sexuality does not matter at all, pleasure does not matter at all and we all go for the Satisfyer to have orgasms in 2 minutes.”

For this reason, he considers that “the healthiest or most functional thing is to find a bit of the middle ground”. That is to say, “that we can enjoy sexuality without fulfilling a series of very specific objectives, whether it is having a number of orgasms, the longest orgasm or something like that.” “It’s not about collecting orgasms.”

Expectations of pleasure in sex

Laura Moran

In part, if we are so obsessed with the ultimate goal being orgasm, it is because in fiction it is not usual for us to be shown an erotic scene that ends without an orgasm. In fact, when that happens in the movies, it’s often seen as a problem, with which the characters end up frustrated. This frustrates us in reality. But it is not the only false expectation that is born because of the cinema.

“In the cinema they have a very specific context and conditions and we think that without those conditions we will have the same result,” Morán clarifies. “For this reason, we despise things that do not happen as in fiction and I also believe that it is a mistake.”

This occurs with the cinema in general, in which, with few exceptions, many clichés regarding sex and pleasure are shown. But, above all, it happens with porn. “In the same way that they can use Photoshop to make someone look taller or thinner, there are tricks in porn too.”

For example, “they record at angles where the penetration seems deeper or the member larger.” In the book he gives a very curious example, based on how actresses sometimes position their forearms. They position it so that its size can be compared to that of the actors’ penises. Thus, it seems that the member is very large. What is not said as often, however, is that actresses in this industry are often much smaller than their male peers.

In spite of everything, the sexologist insists that “this is something that should not be demonized”, since it is another way of making films. “Another thing is that pornography has a part of exploitation, that it does have to work,” she recalls. Beyond that, the problem with porn is thinking it’s real. “As long as we know it’s fiction, like Superman, there’s no problem.”

From expectations to self-esteem

In addition to everything discussed, false expectations can influence people’s self-esteem. We may believe that some part of our body is not as beautiful as the ones we see in the movies. Or, simply, that we don’t know how to do it well. In those cases, we can become so frustrated that we stop feeling desire and pleasure in sex. But is it true that this is something that can be done wrong?

“I opt more because it is a matter of fitting in and communicating,” says Morán. “Can it be done wrong? I understand that too, but normally we are not doomed to do it wrong, this is like dancing with someone, in the end there has to be a certain moment of pacing and coupling”. In addition, he remembers that, “no matter how much experience you have, when you meet someone new, what you know so far may not fit there.” For this reason, he insists that we always give ourselves the opportunity to learn.

Regarding the lack of physical self-esteem, the book points out that our self-esteem is often built over the years, based on bricks that other people put. That is, it is forged based on what others tell us. This is so for better and for worse.

“It is a basic error to think that self-esteem depends solely and exclusively on one,” the author of the book tells us. “It is ideal not to depend, that your well-being does not depend solely and exclusively on others, but it is true that the human being is a social animal.” That self-esteem forged in society can be positive. “That there is recognition of our qualities by other people favors our esteem, another thing is the motivation that the other person has to tell you that, whether it is taking you to the cot or selling you a rug, you already value that”.

But, on the other hand, other people’s opinions or even the harshness with which we judge ourselves may even lead us to hate specific parts of our body. To work on this problem, Morán proposes in the book an exercise that he usually uses in therapy. It consists of writing a list of the parts of our body that we like and those that we don’t. Once this is done, he writes up what each of them brings us.

“By filling out this table, what is sought is for the person to be aware that our body has much more value for what we do with it than for the way it looks,” says the psychologist on the other end of the phone. “Sometimes young girls come to my office, guided by their parents because they want to put on their chests,” she exemplifies. “I don’t know if you have to put on the chest, what I do work with them is what they expect from the chest, because they are not going to go to the first date for you, they are not going to solve the job interview for you…”. They usually answer that they want to be more secure and the sexologist asks them why.

“I try to somehow adjust the expectations they may have regarding that bodily change they are looking for. Your breasts may not be pointing to the Moon, but do you feel pleasure when they are touched or touched? Do you realize that they serve as an erotic stimulus for your partner? That already has a value. They want them to become aware that their body is cool just the way it is”.

Laura Morán, psychologist and sexologist

This is not only applicable to the breasts, but to any other part of the body that can generate a complex. And it is that these complexes, beyond how they can affect us in our day to day, are often the main cause of desire disappearing. “If I’m worried about my double chin showing while I’m riding you, I’m hardly going to orgasm,” she points out as an example. “If you seek to hide the lorzas or a scar, sex becomes modest and pleasure and desire are affected.”

pleasure sex

When we judge ourselves worse than others

Often, people who have all these self-esteem issues have no problem with their partners carrying a few extra pounds or any of what they consider to be a flaw in themselves. “Normally, the criteria we apply to judge our body is not the one we usually use to judge another’s.” “We are terribly harder on ourselves.”

Pleasure in sex and different types of desire

In her book, Laura Morán also refers to how sometimes there is a certain imbalance in the types of desire of a couple. This can lead to friction in the relationship, when in reality they could be solved by seeking order and balance.

“Perhaps one of the parties has a more carnal desire, oriented towards nudity and the exchange of fluids, and the other has no problem with that, but feels more a desire for intimacy, caresses, affection, meeting… And then the genitalia will arrive. Sometimes the secret of couples is knowing how to find the order to satisfy those desires. Well, first identify them and then find the order to satisfy them.”

Laura Morán, psychologist and sexologist

After this, he cites as an example the differences that sometimes exist after discussions. Men often take pleasure in make-up sex. However, their partners may not feel like it after arguing. “If the other person is unable to share that corporality because she is angry, first we will have to satisfy the other need and then we will celebrate what we have to celebrate.” This is an example of the need to order.

Be that as it may, these and other problems are always solved by looking for a sexology professional, like her. In the meantime, if we’re fine and only have questions about pleasure and sex, reading her book can be a great way to start solving them.

View Hide summary